108

I sat down with my friends and we came up with rules, suggestions, certainties, guidelines, pearls of wisdom, you know the dos and don’ts of living in Uganda.  Some are more points of meditation.  I picked my favorite 108. Why 108?  Well I like that number.  Somewhere along the line it became important to me.  Many of these come from personal experience, many from experiences of our friends, and some come from stories we have heard of wayward travelers.  If you are planning on coming to, living in, or spending a significant amount of time in Uganda, I would strongly recommend you familiarize yourself with this list.  It came about from a lot of hard lessons learned. 

1.       Watch your step.

2.       Brush your teeth.

3.       Pack a snack.

4.       Go to the restaurant well before you are hungry.

5.       Always carry toilet paper.

6.       The police are not your friends.

7.       Distribute your money among your pockets.

8.       Learn to say Hello and Thank You in the local language(s).

9.       Indian food is great for a hangover.

10.   Wear local clothes.

11.   Be nice to people with assault weapons.

12.   When using public transportation, keep your bag on your lap or by your feet.

13.   White socks are a poor choice.

14.   It is ok to show your breasts but not your thighs.

15.   Goat is delicious.

16.   Jeans are never to dirty to wear.

17.   There is no clean.

18.   It is ok for two men or two women to hold hands.

19.   It is never ok for a man and a woman to hold hands.

20.   Ask for the toilet. Bathrooms are for bathing, and occasionally onesies.

21.   Learn the early signs of a riot.

22.   A beard will make you look like a Muslim. This could be good or bad.

23.   Take advantage of the lack of copyright laws.

24.   Become comfortable with public defecation.

25.   Put your wallet in your front pocket

26.   Don’t sell your friends.

27.   There is no way to blend.

28.   When in a rural area, greet everyone.

29.   Monkeys can fuck you up.

30.   Know which local diseases can be treated and in what time frame.

31.   Stay in a place with bars on the window.

32.   It was not a bad decision if you got a story out of it.

33.   Wear practical shoes.

34.   Nothing cost as much as they say it does.

35.   Wear cheap watches.

36.   Know what makes you a prostitute in the local culture.

37.   Don’t give out your phone number or e-mail to strangers.

38.   Embrace your feminine side.

39.   Circumstance is a bitch.

40.   Breathe through your mouth.

41.   Vehicles will hit you.

42.   Underwear is replaceable.

43.   Sometimes it hurts.

44.   It won’t hurt forever.

45.   AIDS is forever.

46.   Nothing is as good as you remember it. 

47.   Don’t try to reason with crazies.

48.   Keep the conversation going.

49.   Be self aware.

50.   If someone hands you leaves to chew on, do so at your own risk.

51.   Prostitutes are never worth it.

52.   Never take a night bus.

53.   Treat your drinking water (this can be done with booze).

54.   Take your meds.

55.   Listen for the splat.

56.   Where the water is dirty, the beer is clean.

57.   The water is always dirty.

58.   Hippos are ass holes and they can run.

59.   Your limits will surprise you.

60.   Try not to be noticed.

61.   Don’t trust Rastas.

62.   It is hard to balance who you are and what you want.

63.   Tear gas happens.

64.   Most Indian people speak English.

65.   It’s better to have something new than a poor imitation of something you love.

66.   Be cautious of over friendly people.

67.   There are interesting things in alleys.

68.   Men can be and are roofied too.

69.   Frogger is a practical training exercise.

70.   Sunscreen.

71.   Know thy self.

72.   Breathe through your mouth.

73.   Carry a knife.

74.   Local pharmacies will recommend drugs that may be very harmful.

75.   Lock your bedroom door.

76.   Pick a spirit animal.

77.   Have ear plugs on hand.

78.   It is ok for guys to wear girl clothes.

79.   Don’t forget your towel.

80.   Never trust directions.

81.   Carry cigarettes at night, even if you don’t smoke, they go a long way with guards.

82.   Bars with no names are the cheapest.

83.   Never waste a sit down toilet.

84.   Familiarize yourself with local laws, they will surprise you.  

85.   1 in 10 people here are HIV positive. 

86.   They will never believe you can’t take them to America.

87.   If there are too many vehicles on the sidewalk, walk on the street.

88.   Only eat hot food.

89.   Always get drunk before a riot.

90.   Showers are a commodity.

91.   Find your happy place.

92.   Have a safe word.

93.   Never accept children.

94.   Wash your hands frequently.

95.   Determine your weapon of choice.

96.   You will have to ask for the bill at least 3 times.

97.   Take advantage of the spotlight.

98.   Never underestimate the value of dental floss.

99.   Carry a torch.

100.   Know where the exits and toilets are.

101.  Handkerchiefs are handy.

102.   You will cry.

103.   When in doubt have another drink.

104.   Splurge on condoms and toilet paper.

105.   Choose who you vacation with carefully.

106.   Lower your standards.

107.   Never dry your clothes outside overnight.

108.   You will be surprised.